Thought about making this another private journal entry, but then figured an art life update might do the blog game some good. Yay for public therapy.
The journal itself is already riddled with entries on existential struggles regarding purpose, life decisions, mental health, the fleeting nature of life, and what my Creator might allow me to contribute to this world before I leave it. I promise I’ll forego those details, for now, but suffice it to say of all the soul-searching, life studies, and re-inventing of myself I’ve done over the past several years, two things have remained the same…and strengthened:
my relationship with God and my passion for creation in the broadest sense.
The paths I’m supposed to take and doors that might open or close remain blurred, but I can’t stop pushing hard for the opportunity to fulfill a calling in the direction of those focus points. My time and energy for that is constantly sapped. Life obligations, world crises, health, and even other callings often feel like they’re working against my bottom line, although, strangely…I know they’re part of it.
The most frustrating piece right now is just finding time for artwork. It’s like pulling teeth. And I limit that even more when I try to finish everything I could possibly want/need done before committing to anything creative...and that often seems a never-ending hole. I do this for many reasons...one being the fear of starting something I love only to be quickly pulled away from it for some other obligation (creativity needs to be a flow). I don’t want to break for anything for as long as possible. Another reason is guilt for not accomplishing what's deemed responsibility, even though that is also never-ending.
So, I spend all my effort elsewhere with little to no time or energy left to pour into what actually makes me feel alive.
Drawing and other creative projects are the only pursuit in existence that make me forget to eat, drink, and sleep. My soul is sustained when I do the thing I was made to do, and that’s how I know it must be done.
When I don't…I rot.
That’s why there are big changes coming. Changes to my schedule, my home life, my employment, my budget, my artistic content, and my life goals will be made to align with the purpose I’ve been entrusted with. I can no longer soak up and suppress the art world moving forward without me. If I continue to learn and yearn for a passion I don’t pursue, I’m going to decay mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically until I’m nothing but a shell of the person I was made to be. No one in my life would to benefit from that. So, until my Maker tells me 'no more,' this is what I’m fighting for.
Sacrifice is guaranteed no matter what. Gotta make it worth it.
Happy Veterans Day to those who serve, have served, and understand that kind of sacrifice.
…okay I think I’m in slightly less pain now. Productivity time. :P
~Uni
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